At five years old, Victor Bell's thoughts came in contact with a very taboo inclination. While watching a passionate scene on a soap opera at his babysitter's house, Victor immediately had a desire to be the woman in the scene! Yes! At five years of age, Victor developed a carnal desire to feel everything that a woman does, to be loved like a woman. He even developed a desire to be a girl, and then trauma happened. To feel the void from verbal bullying and physical abuse from a member of his family, Victor's desire to attach more to "what felt good" grew stronger. Along the way, Victor became deeply insecure, angry, fearful, prideful, and lustful. These attributes would shape the next eighteen years of Victor's life up to the point where Victor accepted being a "down-low homosexual". In addition to use of alcohol, marijuana, and womanizing, Victor consistently embarked on secret nights with men. The surface life and the secret life gave Victor great joy and satisfaction, but he would soon find out the satisfaction was only temporary. At the peak of Victor's euphoria, he had an insatiable desire for material things. He had massive highs and gripping lows, along with a growing cavity of emptiness. Victor was doing everything he could to feed the beast of his flesh. But nevertheless, his actions could never hide the mountain of inadequacy that he felt buried deep inside. After falling in love with a beautiful woman that truly had his best interest at heart, yet while leaning toward just coming out fully as a homosexual, Victor had to make a choice. Was he born this way? Was the decision to be with men inevitable? Would Victor ever find the kind of love he sought after, did this love exist, or was the love right before him all along?